It's an Akatsuki Thing
by dango-lover17
Summary: Just going to be some short Akatsuki oneshots, to be updated whenever I feel like it. Warning: Crack!fic-ish-kind-of ahead! And profanity from Hidan!
1. Chapter 1- Itachi's New Talent

**This is NOT going to be a story that's regularly updated. I'm just going to use this as a place to post some of my Akatsuki-centric oneshots so that I don't have to create a new story every time I want to post one cause you know, I'm lazier than a Nara at things I don't have to do.**

 **So this will be updated whenever I feel I like writing something, without an actual set schedule, lol.**

* * *

A normal day for most civilians would be going to work or school, maybe a stroll around the park if the weather was fair. A normal day for the average shinobi meant patrols or missions, usually C-rank or B-rank, depending on their skill level. A normal day for Team Seven meant Naruto begging Sakura to go on a ramen date with him, the latter refusing rather rudely. Sasuke would be off to the side making the standard Uchiha 'Hn', while Kakashi stood over them, not making the slightest effort to diffuse Sakura's temper.

However, the Akatsuki were NOT average shinobi. Not by a long shot. So it was reasonable that their 'normal' days were rather...different than those by normal standards. Their definition of normality was...special. After all, they were a gang of S-ranked criminals. What was normal about them? Answer, nothing.

"My art's the best, un! Art is an explosion!"

"You're wrong, Deidara. True beauty lies in what is everlasting, beauty that does not decay with age." Sasori was developing a tick in his eye.

Kisame groaned. "Not this again. Seriously, you two! Can't you talk about anything else?" He was rewrapping Samehada, the broadsword almost purring under his touch. "Don't be sad, Samehada. I know it's annoying but we have to deal with it. I'll get you a snack later."

"I agree," said Itachi from where he was reading on his special chair. In the Akatsuki hideout, there was one chair that Itachi had claimed when he first joined the organization. No one touched it, or else they would face the Uchiha's wrath. It wasn't exactly a chair, it was more like a cat shaped beanbag. (The cat was eating dango, which was the initial reason Itachi had liked it.)

"Your arguing is childish." Itachi turned the page of book he was reading.

"Is not!" Deidara whined. "It's a matter of pride, Uchiha! You wouldn't understand since you aren't an artist!"

"You call yourself an artist? Pathetic," snorted Sasori. He crawled out of his puppet and sat down in the middle of the floor, glaring at his partner.

"Aw, come on Sasori-danna! Your toys are nothing compared to C4, un!"

"Is that a new bomb you invented?" Sasori had already heard about it, but he had his reasons for asking the question.

Deidara nodded eagerly, unable to resist the urge to brag. "Yep, it's my most powerful bomb, specially made to kill Uchiha and his stupid sharingan eyes! It's a bunch of nano-sized bombs that-"

Sasori smirked. "Deidara. Look who's in the room."

The younger blonde felt his jaw drop as he remembered that Itachi was sitting there, not five feet away. "Uchiha! Forget what I just said!"

Itachi barely reacted, calmly flipping another page.

Deidara turned to Sasori. "It's your fault, Sasori-danna! Now Uchiha knows my secret technique, un!"

"It's your own fault, Deidara. If you hadn't been so eager to brag, he still wouldn't know. Your art makes you cocky, which is why my art is the best."

Itachi sighed a little. There they went again. Always finding some way to argue about their opinions on art.

Kakuzu chose that moment to speak from where he was sitting behind the sofa counting bags of money. "But, neither of your so called 'art' makes us any money."

Deidara opened his mouth to protest, but couldn't find a valid argument. Sasori looked similarly confused.

"I know a way we can find out which style of art is better." Kakuzu's eyes were gleaming in a rather terrifying way.

The two artists took the bait eagerly. "Really? Tell us, un!"

Kakuzu leaned forward. "We'll have an art auction! Whichever piece sells for the most money has to be the one that's most appreciated! I'll host it for you too."

Kisame snickered. "You just want the cash."

Sasori looked thoughtful. "Very well then. We will have this...art auction."

Kakuzu smiled. "And anyone can enter. I'll go ask Leader for permission right away." The thought of the beautiful money that might result from such an event was motivation enough for him to stop counting his money sacks.

* * *

Konan read the notice tacked on the Akatsuki billboard again. "Pein, are you sure about this?"

The orange haired leader shrugged. "Kakuzu was rather adamant about it, and it may be a way to connect with the members of our organization."

"Or it could be the divide that separates them."

The sign read, **COOME ONE, COME ALL, TO THE AKATSUKI ART AUCTION. TO BE HELD IN SEVEN DAYS IN THE AMEGAKURE VILLAGE SQUARE. HIGHEST SALE GETS BRAGGING RIGHTS.**

"Could my paper be considered _art_?" Konan wondered aloud. Just then, Tobi skipped in, holding another stack of flyers.

"Hello Leader-san! Good morning Konan-san!" The masked man pasted another sign on the billboard jovially. "Are you going to do something for the art auction too? Tobi is, because Tobi'ss a good boy and likes coloring!"

Pein sighed and stalked away. "Do whatever you want."

Itachi appeared behind Tobi. "So Kakuzu's really doing it?" Konan nodded and turned to follow Pein back to the gloomy lookout tower.

Tobi sparkled. "Of course! Itachi-san, will you please participate? Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Hn."

* * *

The day of the art auction arrived with much anticipation. Deidara and Sasori were both running around like headless chickens making sure that the finishing touches on their respective masterpieces were complete.

"Where's my pedestal, un!?"

"How should I know? You're the one who took it!"

Pein sighed. Tobi and Kakuzu had somehow wheedled him into being the auctioneer. Why, he wasn't really sure.

Konan patted his shoulder, her usually apathetic demeanor replaced by an almost invisible expression of excitement. "The people of the village will appreciate having their leader sponser such a fun event."

"Fun?"

Kakuzu walked in, giggling maniacally. "Ten minutes until the money starts rolling in." Hidan followed him, rolling his eyes.

"Why am I not allowed in the f*cking event? I'm your partner, Kakuzu!"

"You'll ruin it like you always do." Kakuzu ignored Hidan's protests and faced Pein. "Hurry up, Leader. It's starting."

Wordlessly, Pein walked up to the podium. It seemed that all of Amegakure and then some had gathered in the village square.

"Citizens of Amegakure, welcome to the first (and hopefully last) Akatsuki art auction, hosted by myself and Kakuzu. I'm your auctioneer. The rule is that someone cannot bid on their own art, and if you submitted something, you will have to leave now. Am I understood, Deidara? Sasori?"

The two in question nodded, both looking slightly disappointed. They exited the room, followed by several more Akatsuki members.

"Okay. The first item we have is…" Pein used his gravity manipulating power to pull the closest cloth covered piece towards him. "A clay sculpture of Amaterasu, our sun kami. Do I hear...five ryo?"

A tentative hand shot into the air from the middle of the crowd. The bidding had begun.

* * *

"Who do you think won, Sasori-danna?"

The red-haired puppet shrugged. "Not Tobi, that's for sure." Tobi had submitted a very colorful crayon drawing of 'Kisame-san swimming with the fishies!'

Deidara chuckled. "Yeah well, it's down to the two of us, un." The two man team continued down the hall where the prices were posted.

'SOLD' signs covered all the artifacts in the small room, yes, even Tobi's coloring page.

Deidara snatched the list of the submissions and began to scan it furiously with his mechanical eye.

Sasori leaned over his shoulder to read the list as well.

"I can't see our names, un!"

Sasori felt his mouth drop open, just as the blonde gave a surprised yelp.

 **4\. "Man in Flight" (Puppets, by Akasuna no Sasori) AND "Amaterasu" (Sculpture, by Deidara) - SOLD FOR 30 RYO EACH**

"Fourth place, un?!" Deidara's face was red. "What the…?"

 **3\. "Kisame-san Swims with Fishies!" (Picture, by Tobi-Not-Obito) - SOLD FOR 50 RYO**

 **2\. "Mother and Child" (Origami sculpture, by Konan) - SOLD FOR 120 RYO**

"Who's that, un?"

"That's Leader's partner, you idiot. The only woman in the organization?"

"I bet Leader bought it."

 **1 . "Imitation of Mona Lisa" (Painting, by Uchiha Itachi) - SOLD FOR 450000 RYO**

Deidara stared at the name next to the first place slot. "That...Uchiha…Uchiha can paint?!"

Sasori snorted. "I can't believe I tied with you, Deidara." The puppet master stalked away, leaving a horror-stricken Deidara.

"B-but how…?!"

"Is something the matter?" Itachi was standing next to him, a hint of a smirk on his face.

Deidara pointed a shaky finger at him. "Y-you!"

"If you are not going to say something useful, I will not waste my time here." The Uchiha boy began walking away.

The bomber found his voice. "How did you do that?"

Itachi turned around, face once again impassive. "The sharingan has many uses. One of them is the ability to imitate anything, even art."

"You cheated?"

Kakuzu ran up, his eyes shining in adoration. "Itachi, at least a dozen people have put in requests for more of your art. I told them that I'll be your agent. We can make a fortune out of this!" He jiggled his bulging moneybags in excitement.

Itachi shrugged. "Very well." The Uchiha followed the bounty hunter into the masses of people waiting to sign contracts for the replicas of art.

"His art?" Deidara glared at the spot where Itachi was disappearing to. "Damn you, Uchiha!"

* * *

 **Favs/follows are greatly appreciated, but reviews are coveted and squealed over. Let me know what you thought of this!**


	2. Chapter 2-Black Friday

**I'm here! But, just a note, I'll be slow in updating ALL my stories, (yeah even slower than I am now X'D), until the 21st. Exams start this week and I don't get done with them until then so...ya.**

 **And I had this planned out, but it didn't get written until last weekend. So...happy belated Thanksgiving and Black Friday to my US friends. Anyone get anything good? XD**

 **Oh, and a side note for those of you who might not know what Black Friday is...(just in case). It's the day after Thanksgiving where all stores give a reeeeally big sale for their products. Everything's crazy, people are all shopping for bargains, fighting over stuff online, etc. The department store lines that day are usually 100+ people.**

* * *

 **Akatsuki Hideout: 5:30 AM**

"What is the meaning of this, Kakuzu?" Pein glared at the masked Akatsuki member. The sun hadn't even risen, but Kakuzu was fully dressed and had wheedled (correction; threatened) the rest of the Akatsuki into joining him in the kitchen.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Every f*cking year. I swear, if you're going to make me go through all that again, I'm resigning as your partner."

Tobi blinked. "Did I miss something? What's going on, Kakuzu-san?"

Itachi made a strangled noise as he realized what day it was. Then, he stood up hastily.

"Forgive me, Kakuzu-san. I have an appointment with the eye doctor today, so I cannot assist you." He began making his way towards the door.

A coil of thread snaked around his neck and wrists. Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "Itachi...I know you don't have anything planned today. As a member in this organization, I have the right to call on the rest of you to help me."

Pein rubbed his temple, frowning heavily. "Konan asked me to...babysit her pet rock today."

The blue-haired woman shot him a venomous look. "I did no such thing. Stop making excuses Pein."

Kisame looked like he wanted to protest too, but one look at Kakuzu and he shut his mouth. He studied Samehada, mumbling under his breath about the injustice of it all. Hidan, however, had no such qualms about addressing his partner.

"Damn it, Kakuzu! There's no f*cking way I'm holding your sh*t this year!" Hidan swung his scythe at Kakuzu. The other man dodged and it cleaved the breakfast table in half.

"Hidan!" Konan admonished severely. "Your language."

Hidan glared at her, but wisely said nothing. He preferred not to die by paper cuts, thank you very much. (Even if he technically couldn't die…)

"You idiot, do you know how much this repair will cost us?" Kakuzu growled in frustration. "And that is precisely why this day is so important!"

"What day?" Tobi wondered. "Someone please fill me in?"

Sasori sighed and pinched the bridge of his puppet nose. "It's quite possibly the worst part of being in the Akatsuki with Kakuzu."

"Huh? What's so bad about-"

"It's Black Friday."

* * *

At the mention of the holiday, Deidara gave a tiny whimper. He, surprisingly, had been extremely quiet all throughout the conversation.

"Right!" Kakuzu barked. "I've compiled a list of all the bargains I've pre-ordered. These are necessary items that our organization needs in order to function. Each of you will go with your two-man teams with your targets. Use any and all force to retrieve the deals."

"Pein, shouldn't you be taking charge? You are the leader," murmured Konan. Her partner shook his head wildly, alarm spiking in his normally calm face.

"No one is able to interfere with Kakuzu on this day."

Itachi took his assignment silently and left with Kisame. Deidara had a mental breakdown when he saw just how many items were on his list, and Sasori had to drag him out the door.

Konan was surprisingly calm about hers. All she said was, "Come on Pein. If we're going to go to Hallmark as well, we must hasten."

Her partner moaned a little but followed the woman dutifully.

With everyone else gone, (no one knew where Zetsu was), Kakuzu turned back to Tobi. "You, are going to come in use."

Tobi beamed. "Right, Kakuzu-san! Tobi is glad to be of service!"

* * *

"Sasori-danna, I-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Really, I-"

"I said no, Deidara."

The blonde-haired man sighed heavily. "I really have to use the restroom."

"You used that excuse five minutes ago." Sasori glared at him as they _finally_ neared the front of the line. The sheer number of people who were buying paper plates were astounding, to say the least.

"Well, then can I blow this up? We'd get to the front of the line sooner…"

Sasori looked at him skeptically. "And risk being arrested? No, Deidara."

"But it's going to take forever, un."

His partner's eyebrow twitched from inside his puppet. Truth be told, he liked this as much as Deidara, and the blonde's incessant complaining was really grating on his nerves.

"If you don't shut up right now, I'll have my puppets dispose of all your clay."

With a whimper, his partner retreated behind a stack of cooking utensils.

* * *

With Itachi and Kisame…

"You take these and I'll do the rest." Itachi handed him a copy of the list they were given. Half of the items were circled and the aisle number was neatly written in the Uchiha's elegant script.

Kisame squinted at the graceful cursive. "That sounds good to me. We'll meet up at the rendezvous point in an hour?"

Itachi nodded solemnly. "That should be sufficient."

Kisame grinned as they dispersed. Teaming with Itachi had its perks. The younger boy was incredibly organized, and he had the perfect tools. His sharingan and unusual intelligence allowed him to memorize maps and instantly calculate the most efficient way to divide the work.

He hummed lightheartedly as he set out to go find canned corn. Itachi had even drawn him a path to go, starting from the closest items and ending up back at the checkout.

He'd really have to treat the kid to dango soon.

* * *

"Listen up," growled Kakuzu. He pointed at the crowded mob of people at the entrance of the store. "Make a path for us, Tobi."

"On it, Kakuzu-san!" Tobi saluted him and then took off running towards the crowd. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

His high pitched screaming and wildly waving arms were terrifying, to say the least. Everyone with an ounce of common sense dropped their bags and cleared out of the way of the orange maniac's descent.

One unlucky man was unfortunate and was too late. Tobi barreled into him, knocking him over. He hit the pavement with a sickening crunch.

"What the f*ck…" muttered Hidan. Shrugging, he followed Kakuzu as the latter moved to the front of the store with astonishing speed.

"Hey, you bastard! Wait up! Geez, why aren't you complaining about your arthritis right now?"

"The early bird gets the worm," answered Kakuzu. He pushed back a few brave kids with his thread. The coils of rope wrapped around their necks and they were flung back with a terrifying ferocity.

Tobi waved from the double glass doors. "All clear, Kakuzu-san!"

Hidan grunted in annoyance as he scrambled to avoid the angry clusters of people. "Damn, you're even crazier than I thought you were. That doesn't say much though…"

The young man cursed as he tripped over some old man's cane. "Can't believe I'm doing this for you, Kakuzu. This is a f*cking pagan holiday, goes against my religion."

Tobi giggled. "Don't be a potty mouth, Hidan-san!"

"I'll be whatever the f*ck I want to be." Hidan stopped as a new thought came to him. "Heeey, there's a lot of people here. Which means I can convert some of them to Jashinism! This isn't so bad after all!"

Kakuzu glared at him. "Stay within ten feet of me or you will get lost and I will send Tobi to find you." With that terrifying threat, Hidan scowled but shuffled after his partner, occasionally stopping to 'make conversation' with an unfortunate passerby.

* * *

The Akatsuki met up back at their hideout at the end of the very long day. Itachi and Kisame were the first back, unsurprisingly.

Kisame started unloading the cans of black olives and dried tomatoes while Itachi pulled out a bottle of sake.

They settled down in the common room, Kisame on the couch and Itachi in his cat beanbag. The Uchiha poured both of them sake from the bottle and they toasted silently to a job well done.

It was another hour before the next members came back. Kakuzu looked smug as he shoved several boxes through the doorway.

"Hello Itachi-san!" Tobi bounced in happily. He licked the lollipop that Hidan had stolen in order to keep him quiet. "You're back already? That's so cool! Guess what Hidan-san gave me? A lollipop!"

Itachi gave a 'hn' in response.

Kakuzu marched over to a table and began to sort through the receipts. "I have to make sure you didn't go over my budget."

"Don't worry," assured Kisame. "Itachi's superior mind doesn't make mistakes." He smirked at the glance the Uchiha shot his way. "Aw, don't be modest."

Hidan's loud voice cut through the relatively peaceful atmosphere. "HEY! WHY ARE YOU D*CKHEADS MAKING ME HAUL ALL THIS SH*T HERE?!"

He carried another stack of very full boxes as he came in, which caused him to accidently stub his toe on Tobi's toy train set. He screamed loudly and proceeded to swear in several different languages. (Itachi detected Spanish, Arabic, and even a good bit of Swahili.)

Kakuzu's threads zipped out and caught his precious bargains before they fell onto the ground.

The door opened again and Konan floated serenely inside, Pein struggling behind her. The woman clutched a package of fancy stationery and origami paper to her chest.

Pein sighed and the Paths behind him dropped the large bags and promptly vanished. The Leader muttered something about gods and feeling pain, then dropped into an armchair.

* * *

 _FOUR HOURS LATER:_

One of Sasori's puppets hauled Deidara's body across the room and dumped the bomber into a corner.

The puppeteer sighed; he couldn't feel exhaustion anymore, but this was pretty close.

"Uh oh, what happened to Deidara-senpai, Sasori-san?" Tobi looked up curiously from where he was playing with the trains he had gotten.

"Don't ask, Tobi. You don't want to know."

* * *

 **Aaaand that's a wrap! ;) Review, fav, follow- scenario requests are welcome as well!**


	3. Chapter 3- Pein's Hidden Fear

Pein was scared of nothing. Nothing at all. He was a god, and gods were untouchable. (Nagato however, was scared of plenty of things.)

As such, facing his company of homicidal coworkers, he had no qualms with saying the following. "My dare for you, Tobi? I dare you to...find something that frightens me."

The man deflated. "But how's that possible, Leader-san? You aren't scared of anything…"

 _I know. That's why I told you to do it- it'll get you off my back._ Aloud, he merely said, "Then you forfeit the game."

Tobi quivered. He hated losing Truth or Dare! The only people that had ever beat him were Deidara-senpai and Itachi themselves!

"O-okay…"

Pein exhaled. "We're done for tonight then. Clean up everyone."

Tobi thought over his dare as he picked up game pieces. He'd find a way to to it! After all, Tobi was nothing if not dedicated.

* * *

"BOO!" He flailed his arms around wildly from under the white bedsheet. (Zetsu had so kindly lent it to him- it was the leftovers from his Halloween costume. There were even smudges of blood on it.)

Pein stared at the shapeless lump blankly. "Pray tell, what are you doing?"

Tobi sighed and ripped it off. "I thought for sure that would work. Everyone's scared of ghosts."

Konan pressed her lips together tightly. "Please give that back to Zetsu…"

* * *

"...put the bag of spiders down Tobi."

"B-but Leader-san! Aren't you a little scared? Tobi sure is!"

Said orange masked man was quivering in his shoes, inching slowly away from the crawling bag.

"T-the nice lady who sold them to be said that it was non-refundable…"

Kakuzu sprinted in and zeroed in on Tobi. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR SPENDING SO MUCH-"

"...Shinra Tensei."

The spiders were blasted away, all the way back to their natural habitat.

* * *

Tobi giggles nervously. "This has to work!"

He carefully set the cassette tape in place and pushed play. Then, he ran out of the room.

Pein looked up in disinterest. "What's wrong with him?"

Konan shrugged. "I don't know."

The growling and hissing started low at first, then gradually began to build up volume.

"Pein…" began Konan. She glanced around the room.

From his vantage point outside the window, Tobi giggled to himself. "It's working!"

Pein stood up, just as a deafening roar filled the room. His Rinnegan flashed and he walked over to where the hidden music player was located. Drawing a thick metal tube from almost thin air, he smashed it down.

The sounds stopped.

* * *

"What can I do?" Tobi was talking to himself as he wandered up and down the aisles of the grocery store, looking for something, _anything_ , to scare Pein with. "I can't lose!"

Something caught his eye as he paced back and forth. He stopped. "Oooh~"

* * *

The next morning, the Akatsuki were jolted from their peaceful slumber by a very unusual occurrence. (Everyone except for Itachi and Sasori- the former was an insomniac and the latter couldn't sleep.)

"GET IT AWAY FROM MEEE!" Pein howled as he tore down the hallway. A very disgruntled looking Konan hurried after him.

"Pein!"

Cue the slamming of doors and several loud squeaks as a lock was bolted.

"Pein! Get out of my closet!" Konan crossed her arms, managing to look imposing, even scantily clad. "You cannot hide forever. Besides, I need to put on clothing."

There was no answer. Konan sighed as the rest of the organization crowded curiously around the entrance to the hallway. Tobi looked jubilant.

Konan stared at the small box in her hand, the source of all the ruckus. "Honestly Pein, stop being a child."

His muffled voice came from inside. "Throw it away!"

She rolled her eyes, another rare show of emotion. (Even angels had a limit to their patience.) But she did as he ordered, tossing the box in the trash can after giving Tobi a cold glare. _I blame you_ , it said. Tobi whimpered and ran away before he could be killed by papercuts.

In an instant, the rest of the members were crowding around the trash can in order to have a glimpse of what was so frightening to their Leader.

"All I see is a box of pain-killers, un!" Deidara glanced up. "What's so scary about that?"

"Pain-killers…"

* * *

 **Merry Christmas guys! Hope you had a good one! Please, give the author a wonderful Christmas present of a review before you leave? ;)**


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